13 Ways to Kill a Comedian
How An Event Organizer Can Sabotage a Humorist
When I told a buddy I'd be the keynote speaker at a meeting of the American Soybean Association, he laughed. "Now there's a challenge," he said. "Nothing funny about soybeans."
"Au contraire," I said. "You just have to know what angle to take."
So, as a dedicated humorist, I did my usual pre-event questioning and got a good idea of exactly what the group was about. They were a very affable and intelligent bunch-the days of the illiterate farmer are long past-and I thought they'd enjoy some gentle teasing about the popularity of their product. I'm a comedian and professional Emcee, so I have a lot of material to break the ice. After I had them laughing and in the mood, I picked up my Power Point clicker and said, "I've done a little research into your marketing programs; and, while you're doing very well overall, there are some areas for improvement. For example," I said, and I clicked to the following slide:
SCHOOL SNACK PREFERENCES
Grades K-6
Chips 28%
Cookies 37%
Soybeans 0.0000000000000002%
They howled. I said nothing, just clicked to my next slide:
FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVORS
Vanilla 32%
Chocolate 29%
Soybean Swirl 0.0000000000000001%*
(*Just ahead of Okra and Squirrel)
Mixed in with the waves of laughter, I heard people chortling, "Squirrel!" And I hadn't even gotten into my tried-and-true material.
As one of the most well-traveled and sure-fire comedic motivational speakers on the corporate and association meeting circuit, I consider myself a road-tested expert on how to present comedy to have the optimum chance of knockin' `em dead and making the meeting planner look like a hero. Conversely, I also know what you can do or not do to virtually guarantee that your comedy act, or comedic Emcee, humorist, or comedic motivational speaker will fail miserably and make you look like a goofball for thinking such an inane thing might work.
The rules are slightly different for relatively unknown acts and celebrity comedians who are automatically adored as soon as they walk onstage. But if you're a meeting planner or event organizer, take my word for it: the household names would love for you to follow my Do's and Don'ts for them so they don't have to work so hard after the initial love fest fades.
I love being a comedic motivational speaker, and at most events I have a lot of fun making people fall off their chairs and spew iced tea through their noses. So I'm not whining about the milk spilt at horror gigs, just trying to keep your glass half full. After all, you have both a financial investment and your reputation riding on your comedian's success, so give him or her the best chance to succeed by following this list of "Do's":
The Do's
Match the audience with the act. Booking a raunchy comedian for an association of church counselors is asking for a tar and feather party to the tune of Kumbaya. Conversely, booking a squeaky-clean motivational speaker for an all-male group of twenty-something party animals expecting a gutter comic can get your Boy Scout keynote speaker pelted with party favors.
Audience dark, comedian bright. There's a reason comedy clubs have bright stages and dark audiences. Audiences relax in the anonymity of a dark room, which gives them the freedom to be themselves and not have to watch the CEO for approval to laugh. Even the most dead-pan comedian depends on visuals for laughs, so light him or her up so nobody misses a single pucker or arched eyebrow. And if the venue is so huge that half the audience only sees a flesh-colored dot with arms, I-Mag (Image Magnification on a screen) becomes essential.
Check what's going on in adjacent rooms. I once had to do my entire keynote with an African drum performance on the other side of a six-inch air wall. I'm a humorist, so I got lots of laughs doing improvisational dances to their music, but I wouldn't care to do it again. Once I had to Emcee a program with a DJ playing country line-dance music in the next room and it was almost impossible to ignore.
Give the comedian complete focus.
Unlike a rock band or a jazz trio providing dinner music, to be effective comedy
requires the attention of 100% of the audience. Ask any comedian, and he or she
will tell you that the quality of the silences is as good a judge of how you're doing as the laughs. If you can set up a joke, then pause thoughtfully before delivering the
punch line to an audience hanging on your every word, you've got `em. If during the
pause you hear someone's cell phone conversation or a waiter calling for more coffee at Table Nine, you've broken the spell and the laugh will fizzle.
Give the comedian as fresh an audience as possible.
Many a meeting planner has made the mistake of wanting to "cap" a long, boring session or awards presentation with a comedian "to leave `em laughing." You can't expect a comedian to hold an audience that's already 45 minutes late for lunch and starving, or to revive one that's clapped for the winners from Regions 1 to 37, had three cocktails, and is ready to hit the sack. An excellent first step toward avoiding this pitfall is to stay on schedule, e.g., herd them in from cocktails to dinner with annoying bells or clappers if that's the only way to get them moving. Sometimes if I'm the keynote speaker I'll help with the herding, clapping my hands and yelling that "the program is about to begin! Please take your seats!"
Check sound and sight lines. Whenever possible, have the comedian or Emcee or keynote speaker do a microphone check and walk the stage to make sure a big portion of the audience isn't blocked by the potted palm trees or the fourteen-foot plywood sales projection chart.
Double check references for "special" material.
Comedians who do the same act for every audience don't have to worry about this one, but I pride myself on writing lots of custom comedy for every client. Nothing can dig a hole for a comedian like calling the new CEO "Bill" when her name is Lilly. Even worse, doing airplane jokes when the association president has just lost his wife in a plane crash can make a planner wish she were at 37,000 feet over Peru.
THE DON'TS
Naturally, for every Do there's an equal and opposite Don't, and the Doing of Don'ts is the number one cause of comedy train wrecks. Here are a few I'd rather never have to deal with again
Don't introduce the comedian before the audience is paying attention.
Okay, sometimes this isn't practically possible, but comedians are often unfairly thrown to the wolves by cowardly or ineffective introducers who won't take control of an unruly, unsettled or otherwise unready audience. "Oh, they'll sit down and be quiet as soon as you come on" is not a professional approach. Nor is, "They'll come in from the cocktail party as soon as they hear people laughing." It's the planner's job to arrange for the audience to be in their seats and attentive before the comedian or keynote speaker is introduced. If I spend the first two minutes just trying to get the audience to look at the stage, I've blown my first impression and two or three killer icebreakers that would have gotten them in exactly the right frame of mind for my unique fun-house ride.
Don't allow any other activity in the room.
Ignoring this rule has spawned more horror stories than any other, in my experience. The success of a comedian, Emcee or comedic motivational speaker depends entirely on how many chuckles and guffaws come out of the audience's mouths, so said orifices should not be plugged with lunch, dinner, or dessert. Finish the meal and clear the wait staff before introducing the humorist. Announce one more time for everyone to turn off their cell phones, and close the doors to keep outside light and noise from scattering focus. Having an open bar at the back of the room is an invitation for the party animals in the group to gather and get progressively louder so they can be heard over the annoying comedian in the front of the room.
At one event, a client set up a casino in the showroom-blackjack, roulette, craps tables-so in the pre-show meeting I asked when exactly they were going to close the casino before I went on. "Oh, no, we can't close the tables, they'd go crazy." I winced, then told them I couldn't guarantee a successful show if they didn't close the tables, and they accused me of being paranoid and insisted it would be fine. Then of course they watched in horror and embarrassment as the show was constantly disrupted by clusters of gamblers yelling, "YES! ALLL RIIIIGHT! WAY TO GO, MARTY!" on top of my punch lines, ruining it for me as well as for the annoyed people who wanted to hear me. The newly-enlightened planners completely avoided me after the show because they knew they'd blown it. They'd paid dearly for a comedic motivational speaker to inspire and entertain the group, and all they heard was a bunch of loud gamblers.
Don't wear them out with amateur comedy.
A brilliant British comedian once said that to a new parent, no words are more chilling than, "It's a boy...sort of." For a comedian, it's, "But before I introduce our entertainment, we've got a little send-off for Dave, who's retiring after 26 terrific years. Bob, Larry and Neal from accounting have put together a little presentation. Guys?" The inevitable slideshow of Dave's career features comedic commentary written by, yep, accountants, who can cram thirty hot seconds of comedy into only 25 interminable minutes. As a professional comedian and humorist, I beseech you: don't. Another way to kill your comedian is to have a moment of silence for the co-worker who was just killed in a tragic accident, and then break the silence and sniffles with, "Thank you. Tonight's featured entertainer has been seen on many TV shows?"
Don't Put A Dance Floor Between The Comedian And The Audience.
This is sometimes unavoidable, but often a solution is possible with a little forethought and outside-the-box thinking, e.g., putting the D.J. and dance floor in another corner, or setting up risers for the comedian on the side and re-aiming the spotlights. A vast expanse of parquet makes comedians feel like they're performing on a tarmac.
Don't Encourage (or Allow, when possible) Parents To Bring Kids To Shows For Grownups.
Shows promoted as family events are different, of course, but after-dinner shows when people have had a few cocktails have a nightclub feel, and kids just shouldn't be there. If they have to come, don't let them sit in the front so everyone watches to see how they react to any material that's even remotely suggestive. I'm a clean act, but many adults expect a grownup show after dinner and drinks. It's unfair to expect a Sesame Street set just because the CEO wants to show off his tykes in their dress-up clothes. Jokes that would pass late-night network television standards get scowls and head-shaking from the parent whose two kids keep 300 adults from fully enjoying the performance. I'd like to motivate those parents to get a baby sitter.
Don't Allow Comedians To Shamelessly Plug Themselves.
Unless they've enlightened you with a helpful article, then simply follow the ultimate Do: Hire Mack Dryden if you want your motivational comedian to be a howling, stomping, clapping success. I'll even provide helpful hints for your group:
"Next time the airport security person asks you if you've got any sharp objects or photographic film in your luggage, tell them you've got a PHOTO of an ICEPICK and ask if it's okay. They'll probably have to call a supervisor."
