Category: Humor Columns

The Designated Irritant

No matter how experienced a flyer you are—and I have enough frequent flyer miles to go to Neptune—you can always learn another trick that helps you avoid unwanted surprises.  As every veteran passenger knows, for example, the seats in the last row don’t recline, the armrests in the Exit Row don’t swivel up, and if… Read more »

Flying Cells From Hell

Upon hearing the news that airlines might now allow cell calls on flights, I assumed that Edward Snowden had revealed the disturbing information that operating cell phones on airplanes is no longer a safety issue. You’d think an explosive secret like that would be closely guarded to maintain tranquility at 37,000 feet; and surely any… Read more »

Give Us Your Huddled Mattresses

When I describe the many wonders of our new hometown of Louisville to out-of-state friends, the first two things I mention are the free concerts and the biannual junk pick-up. Since this column is read by many unfortunate souls who don’t reside in the Urban Services District, an explanation is in order: twice a year—usually… Read more »

High Levels of Uncouthaphins

After an extensive walking survey of my neighborhood, I’ve made a startling scientific discovery: Bud Light and Marlboro cigarettes both contain a chemical that forces their consumers to throw the empty containers directly into the street. Since numerous studies reveal that people have only syndromes, disorders and diseases and no control over their own behavior,… Read more »

Sprengue Fever

I’m gradually amassing a body of evidence that indicates rather strongly that—while my wife and I are best friends and much in love—we are of different species. E.g., on the first really warm, sunny spring day this year, my beloved and I were on the front porch reveling in the sight of songbirds cavorting in… Read more »

I Take Thee and These

What is it about an impending wedding that drives women insane? Okay, not all women, but enough of them to shame the gender. I thought I was aware of the most common aberrant pre-nup behaviors—starvation diets, lavish spending for an outfit she’ll wear once, hiring armed guards for ice sculptures—until I read an article about… Read more »

One-Man Avalanche

  Driving through the Smoky* Mountains recently, I was reminded of the time I kicked off our summer vacation by nearly killing my parents. Now part of family lore, the episode was a knee-buckling example of the adage that God watches over morons. (*Look it up. That’s how they spell it at the park) I grew… Read more »

The Father, Son, & Holy Smokes!

  By now everybody’s heard about the startling discovery of an ancient scrap of papyrus manuscript that contains a passage suggesting rather strongly that Jesus was a married man. I first got the news from a buddy of mine who survived two savage divorces that left him bloodied, destitute and a tad embittered. He forwarded… Read more »

Terrifying Lies, Vicious Greens

  Just because I don’t play golf doesn’t mean I think people who do are shallow or have misplaced priorities or waste half their lives in a vapid, worthless, meaningless activity. And if I did think that I certainly wouldn’t say it out loud or write it in a column, because there are lots of… Read more »