Flying Cells From Hell

Upon hearing the news that airlines might now allow cell calls on flights, I assumed that Edward Snowden had revealed the disturbing information that operating cell phones on airplanes is no longer a safety issue. You’d think an explosive secret like that would be closely guarded to maintain tranquility at 37,000 feet; and surely any… Read more »

Curl Up & Dye

The longer I’m married, the more I realize that men and women’s brains are wired as differently as circular saws and curling irons. Not even close. Their divergent evolutionary paths no doubt began when the couple with the charming brow ridges realized that since the woman had baby food hanging conveniently right there under her… Read more »

Yard Larceny

If you parked a slightly-used but fully functional Harley-Davidson on your lawn among your other yard-sale white elephants and put a $20 price-tag on it, an Early Bird would run his hand over the buttery leather seat, nudge the brand-new tires, note the gleaming paint job and flawless chrome tailpipes, then ask if it runs… Read more »

Give Us Your Huddled Mattresses

When I describe the many wonders of our new hometown of Louisville to out-of-state friends, the first two things I mention are the free concerts and the biannual junk pick-up. Since this column is read by many unfortunate souls who don’t reside in the Urban Services District, an explanation is in order: twice a year—usually… Read more »

High Levels of Uncouthaphins

After an extensive walking survey of my neighborhood, I’ve made a startling scientific discovery: Bud Light and Marlboro cigarettes both contain a chemical that forces their consumers to throw the empty containers directly into the street. Since numerous studies reveal that people have only syndromes, disorders and diseases and no control over their own behavior,… Read more »

Worldwide Whoopee Wanes

Researchers probably have mixed feelings when they’re baffled by the results of their own study. On the one hand, nobody wants to do a study just to be baffled. On the other hand, the quickest way to get a lucrative research grant is to be a baffled researcher with a furrowed brow and a burning… Read more »

Spam and Eggs

  If I took advantage of all the Male Enhancement offers that clutter my Spam box, I’d soon look like a fireplug with fifty feet of hose. If I took advantage of a tiny fraction of the Cialis and Viagra offers, the hose would be pointing at the tenth floor like a howitzer. The avalanche… Read more »

Sprengue Fever

I’m gradually amassing a body of evidence that indicates rather strongly that—while my wife and I are best friends and much in love—we are of different species. E.g., on the first really warm, sunny spring day this year, my beloved and I were on the front porch reveling in the sight of songbirds cavorting in… Read more »

I Take Thee and These

What is it about an impending wedding that drives women insane? Okay, not all women, but enough of them to shame the gender. I thought I was aware of the most common aberrant pre-nup behaviors—starvation diets, lavish spending for an outfit she’ll wear once, hiring armed guards for ice sculptures—until I read an article about… Read more »

One-Man Avalanche

  Driving through the Smoky* Mountains recently, I was reminded of the time I kicked off our summer vacation by nearly killing my parents. Now part of family lore, the episode was a knee-buckling example of the adage that God watches over morons. (*Look it up. That’s how they spell it at the park) I grew… Read more »